UFO Fandom: Billy J. Coon Sighting

UFO Case File #WV-091258

Date of Incident: September 12, 1958

Location: Monongahela National Forest, near Weston, West Virginia

Eyewitness: William "Billy" J. Coon

Investigator: Agent M. Starchaser, Department of Unexplained Aerial Shenanigans Classification: Close Encounter of the Appalachian Kind

Incident Summary:

On a crisp fall evening, Billy J. Coon, a 29-year-old raccoon trapper and amateur banjo picker, reported a "whopper of a flyin’ contraption" buzzing over the Monongahela National Forest while he was checking his traps near Cranberry Glades. The following account is based on Billy’s testimony, scribbled on the back of a diner napkin and recounted over a jug of apple cider at the Weston Moonlite Drive-In.

Eyewitness Account:

Around 8:45 PM, Billy was trudging through the forest, his lantern casting jittery shadows on the pine trees, when the crickets and owls went "deader than a doornail."

A low, throbbing hum, like "a souped-up Chevy with a busted muffler," rattled his tin bucket of raccoon bait (leftover cornbread and sardines). Looking up, Billy spotted a "shiny silver pancake, big as a barn roof," hovering above the clearing.

The saucer was decked out with spinning chrome fins and flashing lights in "cherry red and lime green, like a soda fountain gone wild." A hatch slid open with a whoosh, and a beam of purple light shot down, smelling like "burnt bubblegum and WD-40."

Inside the beam, Billy’s bucket levitated, spun like a top, and exploded into a cloud of cornbread crumbs that glowed like fireflies.

Out floated four "scrawny little critters," no taller than a fence post, with heads "rounder than a prize pumpkin" and eyes like "polished coal." They wore metallic jumpsuits that shimmered like tinfoil in a lightning storm.

One of them waved a glowing orb that made Billy’s banjo, slung across his back, strum itself, playing what he swore was "Take Me Home Country Roads" at double speed.

Billy, never one to back down (he once wrestled a bear over a jar of pickles), hollered, "Y’all better quit messin’ with my supper!" and chucked a pinecone at the saucer. The aliens responded with a series of beeps and clicks, which Billy reckoned was "either an apology or a recipe for cornbread."

The saucer let out a high-pitched zing, wobbled like a spun quarter, and zipped into the night sky, leaving a trail of sparkles that looked like "a firecracker show on the Fourth of July." The forest went quiet again, except for Billy’s banjo, which kept faintly twanging for hours.

Physical Evidence:

Cornbread Crumbs: A scattering of glowing crumbs was collected from the site. Lab tests found traces of an unidentified glittery substance, nicknamed "Stardust Sardine" by analysts.

Scorch Marks: A 12-foot-wide circle of charred pine needles marked the saucer’s hover spot. The area emitted a faint hum when tapped with a stick.

Billy’s Banjo: The instrument now plays random notes when left alone, especially under a full moon. Billy claims it’s "haunted by space bluegrass."

Witness Credibility: Billy is a local legend in Weston, known for his raccoon-trapping skills and tall tales at the drive-in. He swears he was sober, though a half-empty jug of questionable cider was found nearby. His cousin, Earlene, confirms Billy stumbled home "shakin’ like a leaf in a windstorm" and refused to touch cornbread for a month. Locals note Billy’s new habit of strumming his banjo at the sky, “callin’ them space fellas back for a jam session.”

Investigator’s Notes: The Monongahela Forest is no stranger to oddities, from Bigfoot sightings to mysterious lights blamed on moonshine stills. Billy’s saucer, with its chrome fins and soda-pop lights, screams 1950s sci-fi flick, suggesting either a genuine extraterrestrial visit or Billy’s overexposure to The Day the Earth Stood Still. The "Stardust Sardine" residue defies chemical analysis, hinting at something otherworldly (or maybe just rancid fish oil). The banjo’s spontaneous twanging is intriguing but could be Billy’s attempt to cash in on the story with a novelty act at the county fair.

Conclusion: Case remains Open, Pending Further Hillbilly Hijinks...

Billy has since painted a flying saucer on his hunting shed with the words, “Come Back, Y’All!” Sightings of strange lights have spiked in Weston, though most are traced to teenagers with flashlights and too much cider. Recommend monitoring the forest and checking Billy’s banjo for alien frequencies.

Agent’s Final Thought: If aliens are cruising West Virginia for cornbread and bluegrass, they’re picking the best spots for a hoedown. --- End of Case File

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